I release so I can recieve

I manifested a sexy man to make out with at Envision Festival. But he ended up being a jerk. Then I learned to be more specific in what I ask the Universe for.

Let’s just call him “dream body.” That’s what I told my friends, “I met my dream body.” As soon as I saw him I knew  he was the one. Hours before we kissed my friend and I were sipping tea in the Tea Lounge. The server asked us to set an intention. My friend’s was something deep and profound. Mine: “To make out with a hot guy.” I couldn’t help it. I’d been with the same people at the farm for a while and was ready to mingle. Right after I set my intention, dream body entered the Tea Lounge. I approached him, and the rest is history. We instantly fell in love and now he’s living with me at the farm.

Well, what actually happened is a little different. Sometimes with love, I get carried away. I did approach him though. And then we ended up spending the whole night together. We had an amazing time and got along really well. Before I approached him in the Tea Lounge my girlfriend said, “Make sure it comes from the heart. You get so hung up on love that you forget to just feel. Sometimes you miss what’s right in front of you.”

Because I was so physically attracted to him and we were getting along great, I ignored my heart. But come on, every time I’d leave him for a second, I’d come back and he’d be in a handstand or Chaturanga. He carried around a backpack with a Yin Yoga book. He told me pretty things, and I took each thing as bait, concentrating on what I wanted to hear, projecting all my expectations and already thinking about the next time we’d see each other. I do this often with men and even more so with men at music festivals. They’re at a music festival so I figure they’re already doing something right. I meet a guy I connect with and instantly my brain is figuring out the logistics of our next meeting and where we’ll travel together. But I’m getting better!

I’m working on accepting people for who they are and not for who I want them to be. I’m working on dropping expectations.

In my defense he did invite me to Nicaragua. But in my sensitive, just off-the-farm state I was totally oblivious to men saying things only to get what they want. I forgot that people aren’t always honest, truthful or courageously vulnerable.

We made out. But he ended up being a jerk, Yin Yoga Teacher and all. The next night I was slightly crushed. I’ve been living at a vulnerable, open community, and I’m sensitive. When I go for someone and that person reciprocates, I get hurt when things unexpectedly change.

That night I just wanted someone to hold me. Then I ran into a good friend. He asked if he could hold me as the music played. He wanted to hold each other on the beach as the sun came up. Without even speaking to him about it, he knew what I needed. He wasn’t the partner I’d been seeking romantically, but I sunk into his embrace. I gratefully and warmly let him hold me. “Oh Universe, what are you trying to show me,” I pondered. I realized I needed to be more specific.

The next day I was still slightly crushed about my interaction with dream body. I was also disappointed in myself for falling into the same pattern at a music festival, for making it about love instead of about enjoying life and enjoying myself.

After talking and crying with some good friends, I let go of all my feelings about dream body. I let go of my attachment to a perfect partner. I let go of my expectations and my obsession with finding the one. I released, and damn, did it feel good. Once I let go, I was able to receive. I released, and then I was flooded with good things.

Captured by divine love. Photo courtesy of the lovely Tinka Kalajzic. Check out her amazing photos: https://www.facebook.com/kalajzictinka

Captured by divine love. Photo courtesy of the lovely Tinka Kalajzic. Check out her amazing photos: https://www.facebook.com/kalajzictinka

That night, the last night of the festival, I met Nick. After the Nahko set I went up to my friend Hannah who was talking to Nick. “Have you met,” she asked. “Hi, I’m April.” “May I,” Nick said and reached in for a hug. As soon as we hugged we couldn’t stop hugging. We pulled away and just sort of looked at each other like “Whoa, who are you?” We hugged again and next thing I knew we were sitting on the ground, my hand on his heart, his hand on my heart, looking into each other’s eyes. We’d pause every few moments to laugh. But then we’d have to look at each other again, hands connected in some way.
this is a good sign

Time stopped yet remained continuous and lasting. At some point we looked up and everyone was gone. Our friends were gone. The crowd was gone. We were the only people at the stage. We laughed again as we heard music in the background. Remembering that we were at a music festival we decided to go to the main stage where someone was djing.

“How about we get some essential oils from my tent so we can massage each other at the stage,” Nick said. As we walked the path to his tent, the steps felt familiar. His tent ended up being right next to my tent. Our tents were literally touching. We had been right in front of each other the whole time. Sometimes you miss what’s right in front of you. Neither of us slept in those tents, but we used them for storage and would visit them frequently. Another joyous joke from the Universe. “So I have to leave at six in the morning to catch a flight,” Nick said. The jokes were rolling in now. Nick and I figured we had hours left. We got to the Tea Lounge and found out it was almost four in the morning. After the Nahko set we were totally lost in each other. I lived through my heart and let it sweep me away.

We laid out his yoga mat and my scarf at the Tipper sunrise set and enjoyed our last moments together. Nick and I said so long, and I ran back to the stage to dance to the rest of Tipper’s sunrise set. I danced away all the disappointment I had felt over the weekend. I danced away all the pain and confusion. I danced in all the love. I danced with my whole heart.

After the set I ran into the ocean naked, weightless and free. I danced into the waves, dancing the day awake, alone and happy. Rejuvenation took over every cell in my body. I spread my arms wide and laughed into each wave, letting the waves cleanse everything.

Back on shore I noticed that my bracelet of Guanacaste seeds broke. I purchased the bracelet a year ago when I was traveling in Costa Rica and had been wearing it since. I took off the bracelet and looked down. A couple feet away in the sand there was another seed, a new seed. I shed the old so I could accept the new. I picked up the seed and thanked the Universe for once again teaching me a lesson.

One thought on “I release so I can recieve

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s